She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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