no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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