You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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