While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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