Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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