I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
