Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
