My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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