So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
