sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
