Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
