He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
