I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
