So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
