I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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