Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
