I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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