My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My liver just had a heart attack.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
