If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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