watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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