you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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