My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
