The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
