dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
