he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
