You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
