I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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