I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
