This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
