We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
