When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
