im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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