I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
