Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
