I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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