i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
