hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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