Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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