1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
third nipple confirmed
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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