I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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