I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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