worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
