if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize