I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize