i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
