i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
