At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
