I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
