No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
