getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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