oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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