i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize