When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
