someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
