i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
