Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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