So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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