My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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