fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
