He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
