Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
