the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
