I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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