Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize