hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This baby is an asshole
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
