Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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