I faked an abortion last night.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
